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Glen

Clean jokes thread

126 posts in this topic

A man is devastated by his wife's infidelity and seeks marriage counseling but that doesn't work. He enlists an intervention of friends and family and yet still she won't quit sleeping with other men. Finally he turns to religion and finds the peace and strength he needed to cope with the problem through Islam. They are stoning her tomorrow.

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A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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A teen boy and his friend find his Dad's old porn tapes. They put it on and start watching it.  One of the boys kept getting up and leaving the room, only to return a few minutes later. This went on a handful of times.  Curious, the other boy stopped the tape and asked the boy why he was leaving the room so much. The boy replied, "My Mom told me if I ever watched something bad like this I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard".

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A man with an orange on his face walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender, curious why the man has an orange on his face, asked him how it happened.

 

"Well, one day, I was walking along a beach and found an old lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out!  He said I could have three wishes. So my first wish was that I could have all the money in the entire world. 

 

"Ok, what about your second?" the bartender asked.

 

My second wish was that I could have any woman I wanted."

 

"So, what was your third wish?" the bartender asked.

 

"I asked for an orange on my face"

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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

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