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Clean jokes thread

111 posts in this topic

On 1/29/2019 at 6:23 AM, Dtwncbad said:

I wish I knew a clean joke that had a cumquat punchline.

A kumquat is not an orange though it wants to be, especially when it is around other kumquats.

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I'm in  a restaurant and ordered some soup. Waiter brings the soup and I notice a fly in it. so I turn to the waiter and say "waiter, there is a fly in my soup!" he turns to me and says "that can't be, we used them all in the raisin bread"

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. 

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. 

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". 

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? 

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. 

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch" 

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Billy died…His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral. 
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle. 
“Well, I’m sure Billy would be pleased,” she said. 
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” 
“All of it,” said Joyce … “Thirty thousand dollars.” 
“No!” Jonelle exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” 
Joyce answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. 
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.” 
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?” 
Joyce answered, “Two and a half carats.”

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