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Glen

Clean jokes thread

126 posts in this topic

On 1/29/2019 at 6:23 AM, Dtwncbad said:

I wish I knew a clean joke that had a cumquat punchline.

A kumquat is not an orange though it wants to be, especially when it is around other kumquats.

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I'm in  a restaurant and ordered some soup. Waiter brings the soup and I notice a fly in it. so I turn to the waiter and say "waiter, there is a fly in my soup!" he turns to me and says "that can't be, we used them all in the raisin bread"

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. 

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. 

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". 

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? 

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. 

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch" 

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Billy died…His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral. 
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle. 
“Well, I’m sure Billy would be pleased,” she said. 
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” 
“All of it,” said Joyce … “Thirty thousand dollars.” 
“No!” Jonelle exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” 
Joyce answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. 
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.” 
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?” 
Joyce answered, “Two and a half carats.”

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a 
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. 
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. 

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the 
bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. 

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' 

That's when she shot him.

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Husband: 
My wife is missing. 
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: 
What is her height?

Husband: 
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: 
Weight?

Husband: 
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: 
Color of eyes?

Husband: 
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: 
Color of hair?

Husband: 
Changes a couple times a year. 
Maybe dark brown now. 
I can’t remember.

Sergeant: 
What was she wearing?

Husband: 
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: 
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: 
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant: 
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Poison Spyder Sliders, Poison Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Poison Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

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